Getting the Love You Want
A Guide for Couples
Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt · 1988 · Relationships
11 min · 10 chaptersNarrated in your voice
What it's about
Harville Hendrix argues that we unconsciously choose partners who resemble our childhood caretakers, not by accident but by psychological necessity, because romantic love is an attempt to finish the emotional development our parents left incomplete. Marriages fail when couples treat their partner's triggering behavior as a character flaw rather than a signal of old wounds. The book mattered because it gave ordinary couples a developmental, rather than moralistic, explanation for conflict, and a structured practice (Imago Dialogue) to work with it.
Read a little every day
15 min a day
1 days · done Sat, Oct 31
Read together
Start a circle and share the code — everyone sees everyone's honest place in the book. Accountability, not leaderboards.
Who it's for
- A couple stuck in a repeating fight who suspect the content of the argument isn't really the point - A therapist or counselor looking for a structured communication technique to teach clients - Someone re-partnering after divorce who wants to understand their own pattern before repeating it
What’s inside
- 1The Invisible Selection Committee1 min
We do not fall in love with a stranger; we fall in love with a composite image of our earliest caretakers, and this image, not conscious preference, drives partner choice.
- 2Two Kinds of Childhood Wounds1 min
Nearly all adult relational conflict traces back to one of two developmental injuries: being smothered (too much intrusion) or being neglected (too little contact), and partners often unconsciously pair opposite wound-types.
- 3The Power Struggle Is Not a Detour, It's the Point1 min
The disillusionment and conflict that follow the honeymoon phase are not a sign the relationship has failed, but the necessary and inevitable second stage of a healthy relational process.
- 4Why Talking It Out Usually Fails1 min
Ordinary conversation between wounded partners tends to escalate conflict rather than resolve it, because each person is speaking from a reactive, defended position rather than a reflective one.
- 5The Imago Dialogue: Mirroring, Validating, Empathizing1 min
A structured three-step listening process, done without deviation, can override defensive reactivity and let a partner's real pain be received instead of countered.
- 6Turning Frustrations Into Requests1 min
Chronic complaints about a partner are disguised statements of an old unmet childhood need, and converting them into specific, positive, doable requests is what actually produces change.
- 7From Old Wounds to Whole Selves1 min
The larger goal of the relationship's conflicts is not just marital peace but each partner's return to psychological wholeness, recovering parts of themselves they suppressed in childhood to stay safe or loved.
About Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
Harville Hendrix is a clinical psychologist and pastoral counselor who developed Imago Relationship Therapy after two failed marriages of his own. He co-authored the book with his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, a therapist and philanthropist. Together they built a training institute for therapists and popularized the concept of the 'imago' partner on national media.
