The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
John Gottman and Nan Silver · 1999 · Relationships
11 min · 11 chaptersNarrated in your voice
What it's about
Drawing on decades of laboratory observation of real couples, Gottman argues that marital success is predictable from a handful of measurable behaviors, not from compatibility or luck. He challenges conventional couples therapy's focus on communication and conflict resolution, arguing instead that friendship, fondness, and how couples handle everyday moments matter more than resolving disagreements. The book mattered because it replaced folk wisdom about marriage with data from Gottman's 'Love Lab,' offering couples concrete, testable practices rather than vague advice to communicate better.
Reading plan
Pick a finish date and Genius lays out the days — the plan shows today's target and keeps you honest.
Read together
Start a circle and share the code — everyone sees everyone's honest place in the book. Accountability, not leaderboards.
Who it's for
- A married or cohabiting person wondering why arguments keep escalating despite good intentions - A therapist or counselor looking for research-backed diagnostic tools rather than generic communication exercises - Anyone dating seriously who wants to know what actually predicts long-term relationship success
What’s inside
- 1Why Most Marital Therapy Fails1 min
Traditional marriage counseling fails most couples because it teaches communication techniques for resolving conflict when most marital conflict is never actually resolved.
- 2Building Love Maps1 min
Couples who maintain detailed, current knowledge of each other's inner psychological world are far less likely to divorce than those who let that knowledge go stale.
- 3Nurturing Fondness and Admiration1 min
A couple's history of speaking well of each other, even in memory, is a stronger predictor of marital survival than their level of conflict.
- 4Turning Toward Instead of Away1 min
The small, mundane moments where one partner seeks attention and the other responds or ignores them accumulate into the emotional bank account that determines whether a marriage survives serious conflict.
- 5Letting Your Partner Influence You1 min
Marriages where husbands specifically resist a wife's influence face a significantly higher risk of divorce than marriages with more balanced power-sharing.
- 6Solving Solvable Problems1 min
Most conflict techniques should be reserved for the minority of problems that are actually solvable, and applying them to perpetual problems misdiagnoses the relationship's real needs.
- 7Overcoming Gridlock and Honoring Dreams1 min
Perpetual problems become destructive not because they exist but because couples fail to recognize the underlying life dreams embedded in each partner's rigid position.
- 8Creating Shared Meaning1 min
A marriage functions better and lasts longer when couples build shared rituals, roles, and goals that create a sense of larger purpose beyond managing daily logistics.
About John Gottman and Nan Silver
John Gottman is a psychologist and professor emeritus at the University of Washington who spent over four decades studying married couples using physiological measurement and video coding in his 'Love Lab.' He co-founded the Gottman Institute with his wife, psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman. Nan Silver is a writer and former magazine editor who co-authored the book with him.
