How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish · 1980 · Parenting
10 min · 10 chaptersNarrated in your voice
Original summary · AI-drafted, human-published · added by Library
What it's about
Faber and Mazlish argue that most conventional parenting talk—commands, threats, lectures, denial of feelings, evaluative praise—provokes resistance rather than cooperation. Drawing on child psychologist Haim Ginott's workshops, they offer concrete alternative phrasings and techniques for acknowledging emotions, inviting cooperation, and building autonomy. The book mattered because it translated therapeutic communication theory into scripts ordinary parents could use immediately, and it has remained a reference point in parenting education for over four decades.
Reading plan
Pick a finish date and Genius lays out the days — the plan shows today's target and keeps you honest.
Read together
Start a circle and share the code — everyone sees everyone's honest place in the book. Accountability, not leaderboards.
Who it's for
- A parent who finds themselves repeating the same arguments with a child every single day - A teacher or caregiver who wants language that reduces defiance without resorting to punishment - Anyone curious about how acknowledging feelings changes the emotional tone of a difficult conversation
What’s inside
- 1Feelings Come First1 min
A child's misbehavior often subsides not when a parent reasons or reassures, but when the parent names the feeling underneath it before addressing the behavior.
- 2Commands Invite Resistance, Descriptions Invite Cooperation1 min
Replacing direct orders and threats with descriptive statements and limited choices gets children to act without triggering the defiance that direct commands provoke.
- 3Punishment Teaches the Wrong Lesson1 min
Punishment stops a behavior in the moment but fails to build the internal sense of responsibility that prevents the behavior from recurring, and often replaces guilt with resentment.
- 4Rescuing a Child Undermines the Child1 min
Habitually solving a child's problems for them, however well-intentioned, communicates a lack of confidence in their ability and weakens their capacity to solve problems independently.
- 5Descriptive Praise Builds Confidence; Evaluative Praise Creates Dependence1 min
Praise that judges a child's character or ability ('You're so smart,' 'Good girl') is less useful than praise that specifically describes what the child did, because specific description teaches while judgment invites anxiety about maintaining an image.
- 6Labels Become Self-Fulfilling1 min
Repeatedly casting a child in a fixed role—clumsy, the difficult one, the peacemaker—shapes the child's behavior to match the label, even when the label was only ever a one-time observation.
- 7Combining the Skills in Real Situations1 min
None of these techniques work reliably in isolation; real family conflicts require weaving acknowledgment, cooperative language, problem-solving, and restraint from rescuing together in a single exchange.
About Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish were parent educators who studied under child psychologist Haim Ginott at the New School and led parent workshops together for decades. Neither held a clinical degree; their authority came from years of testing these techniques with real parent groups and refining the language based on what actually worked in practice.
What readers say
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